I'm so tired. I've been up since 5:15 but I just can't relax. When I do the last few minutes of my cat's life are there and I can't get rid of them. His sister is kind of bewildered which isn't helping. They never were apart more than 3 hours so she is looking for him.

I'm hoping the clozapine kicks in soon. I took a shower hoping that would help me relax.

This is just hard. I had no idea he was as sick as he was; neither did the vet who examined him Tuesday. But he went downhill really, really fast. That helps to know he only struggled for about 30 minutes. I wish it had been without any struggling but brief is better than a long time.

We need an emergency vet clinic nearer to here. They are 60plus minutes away and it was obvious he wasn't going to make it that far plus the one I talked to would just admit him, charge a big fee and then parcel him out to a community vet when they closed right after we got there. I would have done that but I didn't have time.

Time to eat something and maybe, maybe sleep.