**soapbox warning**

chihiro - there is a lot about your therapist that I question. Regarding his comments on how your therapy has changed since the relationship with J - I think he's being both premature and blunt. Premature because the shift of focus in your therapy has only been a few weeks. And what does he really mean by "I haven’t been really engaging in therapy"? What would being engaged look like? What are you doing that is not being engaged? You are showing up, you are sharing what is currently on your mind. I know you've addressed these questions, I'm still not sure what he is expecting from you or what is his agenda with your therapy?

Blunt because he's right that if you are not mindful of what is occurring between you and J, things might not go well in the long run.

Regarding being yourself and your response to the nightmare (“I woke up fearing that you don’t like me anymore”), my take on this is that there's probably lots more discussions with J on what you need around your illness than what is shared here and maybe with T. If not, I'd agree that that kind of statement could be something that might lead to a bad ending if J has not done a lot of work himself and is able to hear that type of stuff and stay open/curious about your experience, leaving it all with you. That is pretty hard for most people. What I have learnt around trying to find that balance is to name or comment on the distortion and desired need/want from what the distortion is before sharing what is the distorted thought. This allows me to be me, to share what my illness is projecting in my head while trying to help my wife from taking ownership of whatever is going on inside me. We can then (usually after some calming happens) discuss more about what it is that set it off or what I'm needing or fearing. I'm still a long ways from being good at this and it still might not be the best way as I am also trying to find that balance.

In your situation - waking up in that panic state will clearly need time before your system can get to place to be curious about what occurred. Should you get there or want to get there? When you are ready, yeah, it would be helpful to be curious as to why or where this panic state came from, what the nightmare was and so on. Perhaps you have done that, perhaps you are not ready to do that. Your statement about not wanting to do that type of exploration simply indicates to me that you are not ready to do so. Perhaps it feels too vulnerable/scary to do so. Perhaps there's feelings of unfairness (other people don't have to work this hard/this way in their relationships...). Perhaps so many possibilities and that's where some of the "being curious" statements might be coming from.

In regards to
I guess I believe that relationships are work and if you want this one to work, you gotta put in the hard work of learning how to communicate your experiences in an authentic way while respecting/addressing how that communication impacts your partner and the relationship.