This grief thing is hard. And it is made worse knowing that I have to go through losing a person I love in the next months or year.

My other cat is sticking close to me. I know she knows something happened; she saw him die and seemed to want to come over to the body but never did. She looks for him occasionally but mostly sticks close to me. We gain comffort from each other.

I slept from about 11 until 12:15 and then from 12:30 until 4 and now it's 4 and I'm pretty wide awake. It's hard to not focus on the memories of Charlie's last 40 minutes. They were rough. I did everything I could but it was just hard and the memories aren't pretty. So I have to get rid of the memories to be able to sleep except when the clozapine really kicks in.

My pdoc said I can take more klonopin but when I need it is times like now and I can't be even more sedated (I'm awake but still can feel the med) because the washer repair man is coming to fix my washer tomorrow morning. He wasn't more specific about times so it could be 7 and could be 11:30. But regardless I have to be ready to get up as sooon as my mom calls me (he's to call her when he leaves). So I really need to get back to sleep.

One thing I'm glad of: my sister asked me to put a binding on a special blanket for my niece because she is getting a new bedroom for her birthday. She's always slept with a blanket I made so we kept up the tradition. I wasn't sure I'd get it done with the sedation and sadness and lack of interest in anything. But I did, with only one major error that cost me 30 minutes of my life, so that's not bad. Now I just have to wrap her presents and I'm ready for our socially distanced, mask wearing, half the family, party.

Anyway, time to try to sleep some more. I really hope I'm not up for the day at 4. I kinda feel like I am but I don't believe it.