I don't really post here, but I had an unexpected session after a rupture that I need to work through.

So, some background. Two weeks ago I showed up for an appointment and T was not in the office he was in there second location. I had been scheduled incorrectly. This was a human error and people make mistakes. However, it was really more of a confirmation that consistency with T and my appointments times are an issue because he is pulled in many different directions professionally. This was the third month in a row that something happened right before my appointment because of other professional activities he chooses to engage in that has messed up my appointment. I emailed him the day of my last missed appointment admittedly pissed off. Told him we needed to talk about it and it really did come off more accusatory in tone than intended it to. No response after almost a week, really pissed me off which led to me quitting therapy. This was a serious, I am done I can find another t who can actually be at their appointments when scheduled and who will respond when I am noticeably upset about something the t was responsible for.

In the meantime I did email a new T to inquire about whether she was taking new clients and her availability, etc. I gave her some background of what was going on, and I got a thoughtful reply. I told her that I would I reach back out to her in a week if I want to schedule something.

Yesterday morning I got a call from t's office saying he had a cancellation that morning and he wanted to know if I could come in. I agreed. He came and got me about 15mins after the hour which is really way early for t, so that was a plus. We sat down and he asked me to tell him what was going on. I really had a hard time putting it all into words at first. So, I said well you got the emails. Then he said something to the effect of yes, I read those emails which leads me to believe there is "More" going on. Which really pissed me off and got me talking.

I told him, I don't like that you think my freak out over appointment times is more from from my rejection/abandonment issues are triggered. While that may be true, there were actually tangible things that happened and that why I was pissed. So he ask me to tell me what those things were. So, I told him the the examples from the last three months of showing up an my appointments were either cancelled or I he was really late, like 40-50 mins late. I told him that lately I show up to my appointments and wonder if it will actually happen, and if it does how late will it be. That is not how therapy should feel and I need that to change. I told him especially right now, as my anxiety has been at a 10 and felt like I haven't had anybody to talk to about it for the last month because of this nonsense. So he told me he had no clue I was feeling like this and didn't know that I felt like therapy was failing me.

But from there, we really only talked about my anxiety.. which is good and bad because I really need to talk about everything from the last month, but the whole time in the back of my head I was arguing with myself as far as if I should bring the issue back up again. At the end of the appointment, he asked if I wanted to schedule or take a break from therapy. I said that I was torn because of the height of my anxiety, I need somebody, but I need that somebody to be consistent. So, he went to his computer and pulled up his schedule and looked through it. He was able to establish a time that was consistent that he will always be in the office before my appointment.

So, although we did talk about the incidents and he did establish a better more consistent appointment t I still feel like we just glossed over my anger and sadness and didn't really explore it as much as I thought we would. Or, hear affirmation from him that he understood why I was so pissed and he was sorry. I think I need that.. So, I am scheduled to see him next week and I need that to be the focus of the appointment. and I am still considering making an appointment with the other t as well.


Comments/questions are welcomed.