Honestly, this is the last place I'd expect to find myself. I grew up being emotionally & physically abused by my mom. After I left home, I educated myself about domestic violence and abuse.

Now I'm 37 and realizing that my spouse has been emotionally and possibly sexually (more on that later) abusing me for I don't even know how long, and I couldn't see it until recently. I left them last week, and it's been such a relief, though now I'm finding myself feeling really confused all the time as I try to process what happened.

I think what made it so hard for me to see is that my spouse is socially justice-minded and is horrified by abusive relationships. They have had anti-violence training and volunteered for domestic violence shelters in the past. They couldn't see their own abusive behaviours though, and when I pointed them out to them, they were shocked. After I told them, they told me they were moving out, because they didn't want me to live with someone I didn't feel safe with.


On the possible sexual abuse:
My spouse and I enjoyed touching each other in pleasurable ways we considered non-sexual. Only they would sometimes claim I owed it to them, even though in the moment I wouldn't want to. I would be heavily guilted if I didn't, so usually I just did it anyway, even though it made me uncomfortable. I'm hesitant to label this sexual abuse, but it honestly feels like it is... anyone have some insight for me? If it's not, what would you call it?