He didn't tell our daughter I was going to physically harm her. I did hurt her, unintentionally, as I was helping her off the bed. I was holding her tightly so I wouldn't drop her on the way down (I was on the bed). Plus, because she startled the baby awake, who was crying, I swifted her off the bed quickly so I could comfort and feed her. My daughter panicked, thinking I was "throwing her off the bed". I didn't but can understand why she felt that way.

She's getting heavy for me now (I'm 5'4/116lbs with joint inflammation issues), so sometimes when I lift her (playground, in/out of car, off the bed, etc) I unintentionally hurt her, as I'm holding her tighter than I'm meaning to. Dad knows this. She knows this.

That night, he used these scenarios against me.. how he's "tired" of "always" hearing her say I'm "hurting" her.. on the top of his lungs. I'm trying different ways to hold her so I'm not squeezing her too tight. It only happens occassionally. I apologize every time.

I want to point out, in this scenario, dad was already feeling rejected over a boundary I gave him, hours before. He then heard our daughter crying because of the bed incident; because she was cranky and over the top; and was tired. She's often cranky during bedtime routine.. screaming and crying is not unusual. So instead of supporting the "situation", he walked in with the intent to work against me. That's why I shut the door on him in the first place.

I believe the "splitting" effect caused him to irrationalize what really happened, and to his advantage. When he "splits", I'm no longer of any value to him. He literally "hates" me so there's no limit (apart from physical abuse) of what he'll do.

He claimed he was "protecting" our daughter who was "reaching out" to him.. but still fails to understand WHY she was. So yes, she was crying for him. Yes, I did pick her up "against" her "body boundary".. and only because I was wanting to comfort her, due to his screaming behaviours and ideas he was implanting in her head. What he "saw" was correct but the reasons WHY was completely distorted. I'm still very upset about it.

We finally had a face-to-face conversation about it, 2 days ago. He's still not understanding why things played out the way they did. He still feels he was in protective mode.. and maybe that's how he really feels. I find he often struggles with understanding someone else's perspectives, mine in particular. That's why I think it's not "just" abusive behaviours.. there's a disconnect.

He does not at all want to end this relationship. He recognizes how attached the girls and I are. He understands how much they still need and depend on ME, right now. He talks about future plans as if nothing happened. It's like it doesn't bother him much, at all. It's the lack of empathy he has in general, that I struggle with.

At the same time, I feel he's on his "best behaviour" around the girls so I have "nothing" to document. He's handling behaviours, out in public differently now, so other people see how "good" he parents. Maybe I'm being paranoid about it. Maybe he's working on improving himself, like he is with the DBT workbook. I don't know.. but I feel unsettled.

I worry he's already seen a lawyer (with his dad) to find out his parental rights.. and maybe due to what was advised, he's buying time until the girls are less dependent on me; until I'm employed again; until he has more "documentation".. but this I DO NOT KNOW. It could just be paranoia. He claims he would never take the girls away from me.. as he's back at baseline.

I do feel like his therapist and life coach sometimes. It's exhausting.. emotionally and mentally. He's definitely benefitted from me in multiple ways. He's acknowledged this. Meanwhile, what have I received in return?

His family doesn't see this side of him because they're the "alpha" to him. He NEEDS their approval.. so he puts his best foot forward so they are proud of him.. you know, the "RECOVERED drug addict". They only want to know he's doing well and has moved on from the blackness of his past.. and as a mom, I get it. They're unable to see him in a "partner" role.

I do know about Parental Alienation. My sister is a victim of this. She hasn't been able to see her children in a few years now. It's sad.. really heartbreaking. The scary thing about it, is that I told him all about it, since the outcome happened during our relationship. Her ex was a compulsive liar, too. He had a prestigious position and hired a top-notch lawyer. She could only afford legal aid who was unable to keep up with his antics. Their hours in the case were limited.