I'm just starting to realize this now, through covid. Beforehand, we both had very busy schedules. Having a special needs son took a lot of my time.. plus 2 very young children, work, life's obligations, etc.

I really don't know what prompted him to disclose his compulsive lying and financial infidelity. I'm not sure what was happening between January and April of this year, if anything at all. He just came out with it.

To him, it's a "positive". He's trying very hard to repair this relationship and have me "feel" loved. He says he loves me very much! The other day, I told him his behaviours are not LOVE. I told him his behaviours are both abusive and controlling. I told him, had I had money and a place to stay, I would have left this relationship after that incident. And you know.. I didn't get much of an expression. Just a blank stare, like it wasn't "me" talking to "him". At the end of it, he reassured me he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't planning on leaving me. It's pretty shady, IMO.

Since covid, I'm seeing him for what he is.. and that he's not "just" being a "jerk" or being "insensitive" or being "emotional". There's a far bigger picture than I ever realized.

Since covid, I learned about "emotional blackmail", about "reactive abuse", about "covert abuse", about "emotional parentification", about "BPD and emotional dysregulation", about his deep core struggles against "rejection" and "perceived attacks". It's only been a couple of months of this journey.. and since, he's "broken up" with me, twice.

Covid19 has given a lot of people an "A-Ha" moment.. a new awakening. Seems like anyone I've come across, casually or personally, has said much the same. It's a blessing in disguise, really.

So now I'm mourning the loss of a family/relationship I thought I had. Now I'm stricken with anxiety about our future and all I need to do to align my ducks. It's breaking my heart about how my beautiful little girls will be affected by whatever decision I'll ultimately have to make. It depresses me further that my life is shrinking even further.. that I really don't have anyone watching my back.

I'm tired of being the "independent strong" one. I'm tired of holding the bull by the horns. I'm tired of working against the grain.

I had children to enjoy them.. to give them opportunities to grow and shine and be their best self. I did not at all think I'd end up as a single parent with, 50, 40, or 0% custody.