Hi all. Been away for a couple of days contemplating life. I’m slowly coming to terms with things regarding my brother. I was feeling extremely guilty that I wasn’t there for him after our dad died. While I disagree that I was the “favorite child” still, I can understand why he would think (why his wife would convince him of) that. And though I regret my actions, I know I couldn’t have done anything different. I didn’t know any better. How is a ten year old supposed to step up and be a sufficient parent? And then I became ill. I didn’t know how to navigate my illness and I didn’t have any support at home. I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok but it would always come to a boiling point and bubble over. I have only now, after eight years of grappling with bipolar symptoms, (excluding my teenage years), come to identify triggers and reach out for help before it becomes overwhelming. So for that, I am eventually going to have to forgive myself.

As for what went down with my husband, well...that’s just a mess in my head and will take a long time to untangle.

In other news, I found out something that I find to be “good” news. I was browsing for places to go hiking and exploring and one of the state parks came up. I immediately remembered that the state psychiatric hospital for children that I was in was located there. I have a lot of bad memories of that place. I was only there for three months but it was three months of hell. We were crammed four to a room with no AC in the middle of the summer. No groups or therapy at all. Over medication was the norm - one girl was on Thorazine four times a day to keep her quiet. Abusive, mocking staff - one staff member made fun of a schizophrenic girl for talking back to her voices. The staff member laughed at her and called her spirit girl. I was a vegetarian but they “couldn’t accommodate” my diet so they told me just to eat meat while I was there. I ended up eating cheese sandwiches for two meals a day for the entire duration. I only saw a psychiatrist once in the whole time I was there. No med changes were made. I could have had better med management at home. We went across to the school building for school for half a day. There, we had “classes”, one of which consisted of us “working”. While we were “working” we were basically screwing nuts into bolts and other boring factory work, something someone would have been paid minimum wage to do but hey, we were free labor. The rest of the time we spent in the “cottage” either sitting in the small day room (no games or anything) or in the tv room (just a small tv, no cable just basic channels, no movies). I used to just put my headphones on with my CD player and just pace in the day room, back and forth, counting my steps.

They threatened to send me to residential because I couldn’t be trusted to follow my mom’s rules (which was laughable because she was completely absent, she didn’t have any ****ing rules). In the end, they let me out, not because I was any better but because I simply started lying and telling them I wasn’t suicidal anymore. None of my family believed me about how bad it was until the state shut it down In 2005. I later found out a staff member killed a girl in 1998 with an improper restraint. They tried to cover it up and said she choked. And yet, it continued to run for seven more years. I’ve always wondered what the last straw was.

In any case, I kept reading, and found out that the whole place burned to the ground about two months ago. People in the article were lamenting about “lost history” and how “no one has respect for history anymore” (assuming it was arson). Well **** that. That place had DECADES of patient abuse to its name. It became a hospital in 1948 - and we all know how psych patients were treated back then. It never got any better. Thousands of children went through those doors. Who knows what happened to them? I was one of the lucky ones. I stayed quiet and unassuming. If I had a meltdown, would I have come out alive?

**** that place. Let it ****ing burn. I can close that chapter of my life now for good, knowing no other children will have to experience that place ever again. Yeah, there are plenty others, some probably even worse, but at least one is gone and can take its abhorrent history down into the rubble.