You can take ownership of your own actions, but you are NOT responsible for him escalating matters further.

You are justifying, rationalizing and are taking the blame. You are a classic abuse victim, and you are doing all the classic things an abuse victim does and says to justify staying with someone who is flat out abusive.

And until you get therapeutic help yourself, I don't think you will ever get out of this most toxic and abusive relationship. But I understand that there are limits to therapy help right now. What's difficult is that you are not absorbing what we are saying over and over again to you. I'm personally very worried for your safety, your well being and your mental health, not to mention your kids' mental health and stability. It's most concerning.