I cannot sleep. As usual. I have cracked. I saw my mom today and she is in a bad way. She is so exhausted after work that she barely makes any sense. But she cannot stop working because she has health concerns that she needs insurance for. She is not old enough to retire and get on Medicare. I fear she is going down the same path toward dementia as my grandfather has. She is very confused at times and struggles to find the right words. She can’t remember to pay bills or get to appointments without the automatic text reminders. She is so utterly exhausted all the time, I fear she is working herself to death. I so wish I could help her. But there is literally nothing I can do.

I’m completely broken. I’m remembering everything that went on in our childhood, how difficult things were for my brother and my hand in that. Realizing how awful my husband treated me and how I just let it happen because I was so desperate to be out of my house. It’s all too much. It’s on my mind every single moment that I have to myself. I distract myself by reading and watching tv, but as soon as things are quiet my mind is reeling, spinning and ruminating over what was and what should have been.

I know it will take time to process. This is all coming up now because I finally feel safe. I’ve been so stoic and so strong because I’ve had no one to care for me. I’ve had to care for myself since I was ten years old. My husband loved me, but the responsibility of the relationship was on me. And now, I finally have someone who can take care of me when I’m not myself. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who lets me be myself. I avoided hospitalization this year for the first time ever because I felt like I didn’t have to hide who I was. I didn’t have to be ashamed of my depression. I didn’t have to go just to hide away from life.

I love RS so much. For everything he’s done for me. I will not use him as my therapist, but I know that he will take care of me as I navigate all of this. For the first time in 33 years, I am not alone.

I hope I will be able to sleep soon. I will definitely be going out and getting a journal tomorrow.

I’m just so glad I’m safe.