MsLady, in reading what you share, there was something important that caught my eye. You mentioned that your partner has ADHD. If this is true MsLady, it's important you learn about this challenge because individuals that have ADHD have brain wiring that can present challenges that can be very misunderstood. Also, if your partner has it, there a very good chance his children might have it too.

This kind of brain wiring is genetic and it was important to our survival so that's why it can be such a strong gene. These children and adults tend to be active and do best in "motion" and they are not seditary and deeply introspective.

Perhaps, it might be best to think of it in terms of this; My husband is off to sea, My husband is out in the fields planting, My husband is off hunting, My husband is off on his fishing boat, even My husband is off to war. In other words MsLady, something busy and in MOTION.

You have talked about taking on a certain style of parenting. And maybe you try some of this with your partner. However, what many DO MISS when it comes to dealing with individuals with certain types of brain wiring like ADHD and Dyslexia, is more about paying attention to WHAT works best for their kind of brain wiring. Contrary to what many think as relaxing, for the ADHD brain, being busy is what relaxes them. That's why this kind of brain responds to drugs like speed and welbutrin as being more "calm" and even cocaine, while the average person would be all hyped up.

In one of your posts you described how your daughter took off and your husband just stood there and watched? That CAN happen, do you know why? For the same reason my husband will get up and literally stand in front of the TV frozen when some kind of heavy action comes on in what he is watching. Now, lets think about the examples I gave for a minute. My husband is off hunting, My husband is out to sea, My husband is out in the fields harvesting, My husband is out on his fishing boat, My husband is playing football, My husband is racing his race car, My husband is off to war. Do you see what I am getting at here?

For hundreds of years human beings survived often in families where the offspring learned by engaging in the things their parents did to survive. Many children actually learned by doing be it farming, fishing, preparing for being a soldier, brick laying, hunting and gathering, traveling and exploring, learning trades and making and being in motion. It's understandable the human brain would evolve around these ways of surviving.

Actually, part of the reason your husband did not want you to go to that wedding (that he is not really aware of) is because he would be held back instead of being able to engage all the motion. Also, the reason your partner is more drawn to the three year old is because she engages more and is mobile.

Why would your partner put his one year old in a swing like that? Well, he is impatient and eager for that child to be more mobile. She clearly isn't ready and fell of that swing.

I raised a daughter who is a lot like my husband adhd/dyslexia. I had to learn all about how HER brain is wired and work around that in ways that worked for HER. It's important to understand that just because a person's brain is wired a certain way, it doesn't mean that person isn't intelligent. In fact, some who have adhd, have genuis level IQ's. I know you have a certain style parenting you want to follow, yet, I cannot stress enough that it's important to pay attention to if that style is going to work with the brain wiring. I know for a fact when this ignored, it can turn out badly instead of nurturing according to how that partner or child's brain is wired.

You know, I tend to repeat a lot, yet, it's been a habit for a long time due to the fact that pretty much all my life I have dealt with someone who's brain is wired differently than me, and they don't "listen" the way I want them to. Actually, my therapist's wife and son both have ADHD, and he shares how to engage them and the lack of paying attention for too long. My daughter is very mobile and has a busy mind, was always like that too. She is very good at math and things that have motion, much like her father. As I was helping my daughter "learn" I used ways of associating remembering by using little stories or tunes which added fun "motion". When I was potty training my daughter, I had to take the lid off the toilet so she could go and then watch the water go down and the ball drop in the tank. That motion was her motivation and reward. See what I mean? You mentioned how sometimes your daughter sits in the rocking chair before bed? Well, that's actually important to pay attention to, she needs motion to relax.

There is a LOT of gray when it comes to understanding others.

Also, if your husband is adhd, then part of his therapy should help him to understand how his brain works and why he finds certain things irratating or frustrating etc.