Well, seems like you are really in a tough spot.

Maybe this will help. Perhaps you two could change your attitudes toward them. (this I have found very helpful in my situation).

Looking from what you say....you and your husband love each other very much and except for the family drama - you have a great marriage. Stand rock solid and keep it that way.

I would start taking things with a grain of salt. If you guys don't really care what they think - then don't accept it. If the kids can't accept that you don't want anything to do with them then maybe you need to explain to them that this is the way it's going to be....that it causes turmoil in your lives and although they are family.....you have YOUR family to think about too. Harsh but true.

Then, I would just start stopping it before it starts. Encourage your husband to hang up the phone when the conversations begin to turn derogatory. I've been known to say (when a conversation becomes heated), "Look, it's obvious we don't see eye to eye, I'm done discussing this with you, good-bye.". These people seem kind of toixc. Don't add fuel to the fire. Cut them off as much as you can. Let it roll off your shoulder.

I know it's easier said than done but, I practice, practice, practice. If they know they get to you - they will continue. Maybe you can convince them to write you guys off as a lost cause. Or at least shut up when they know they can't get a rise.

With the way you have written about these situations - it's the only possible solution I see to your mental health and marriage. I think he should get the attitude that " Their approval is not needed."

I say to the HE double hockey sitcks with them!!!!!!

Sad that the children are cut in the middle. However, being some are older - they will see with their own eyes eventually. And if they don't there is nothing you can do about that. But to save yourself and your family - just treat them like dust. No big deal. I have the attitude of "Whatever helps you sleep at night." Get your rest and take care of you.