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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
(((((((Vegansphynx)))))))),
First, you have to stay away from this man for your own mental health. Secondly, given what you shared you have pretty much grown up dealing with parents that were addicts so you were emotionally neglected and abused.
Also, this man doesn't LOVE this other woman or even you, he is completely self involved and his life revolves around whatever can give him a high and escape from himself and reality. You are experiencing a battle in your mind because you wanted to love and care and instead you faced rejection and deep hurt. What you learned to engage in is trauma bonding, that's what is familiar to you due to how your parents were and probably still are. Also, you saw your parents interact in ways you thought was love for each other, but they were bonded through their addictions and that's not real love.
You have more than just anxiety going on, you are struggling with trauma and most likely ptsd. Possibly you have some stockholms issues as well and don't even know it.
Do you use drugs or alcohol yourself?
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No. I used to drink and smoke weed on occasion when he and first met, but I quit once I realized he had a problem. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite by insisting he stop while I continued (even though I never did anything to excess.) I was impulsively self destructive in my teens and early 20s (eating disorders, Cutting, taking handfuls of anti anxiety meds, etc...,) but after over a decade of therapy I stopped that. I was so adamant about not to turn into an addict like my parents that I forget to watch out for falling in love with one. I feel really stupid. And once I was in, I was in.
It does feel like ptsd...yes. But how does one keep up the charade for 15 years and then switch it off so easily? And are the absolute loathing and hateful UGLY thoughts I’m having about the 2 of them indicative that I’M some kind of malignant narcissist or something? I did a kickboxing workout today and imagined pummeling her to death! I keep wishing that she cheats on him for drugs and gives him an sti. Am I a psychopath? I thought I was a good, kind, loving person. I switch careers to one that’s about helping people. But these are the things rattling in my brain, too