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Jul 24, 2020 at 03:04 PM

Hi M,
I didn't find your post a waste at all. You are thoughtful and self directed and determined to understand so you can get back on your feet. And you seem to want to increase your faith in a vision of yourself past the worst of all this. Good for you.

I pictured myself a confident and loving person all through my initial recovery, and that vision helped pull me forward.

I was diagnosed with cPTSD 6 months after my mother died which was when I first had any concrete memories of her abuse. Prior to that I had periods of anxiety or depression that seemed to come out of the blue and then resolve again. But the trauma was the source of all the symptoms; PTSD was always first in line even before I knew it. One of my therapists explained that many children don't recall details of abuse until they are adults and feel some sense they can fend off their abuser. It's always about survival.

So for me the cPTSD is the source for the other migrating symptoms. It all made sense once I knew that my mother wasn't just "neurotic" as we labeled her but horrifically abusive in every way possible. I dissociated those horrible events to just stay alive, but I got confirmation of my memories from external sources. And personally, I am frankly grateful that I didn't have to live with those memories all the in between years. I have spent days curled up in a ball as well because flashbacks aren't just memories. I was re-experiencing actual life-threatening situations.

After 3 years of intensive therapy, I felt past the worst. I lived my life all those years but often in gripping pain. But the same will to survive kept me functioning at work and home and pushing toward healing as relentlessly as my mother acted out her malevolence toward me.

I'm still that hyperstartle person that family knows not to sneak up on. I cannot watch violence on tv or movies. I may always have a sense of foreshortened future. I have to work on facing conflict and standing up for myself in some situations. And I have a resident level of anxiety, but that doesn't prevent me getting to my goals. I am on one remaining medication.

I won. I am well past her and all she did to me. I still work to develop areas of myself that were stunted by neglect and abuse, but I live a full life. Whenever issues arise, as they have with the death of my father last year, I get back into therapy and turn the corner much sooner than before.

Hope this helps. (And also, I was on this forum years ago during my initial memories, and I found more direct and timely responses to my posts then. I hope this particular forum is active because it's really important. Those who have been through genuine trauma where your bodily and soul integrity were threatened are the ones who truly get it. So we need each other.)