I think I kind of had another mini-breakdown yesterday then I became lucid again and I think I can explain it in such a way that maybe we can tease it out. I don't want to have to take some things so seriously I'm not a brain surgeon for a reason, I know I cannot handle that kind of responsibility (I probably shouldn't flatter myself I'm also not nearly that smart) it freaks me out just thinking about it. So I can have a kind of nonchalance about certain tasks and things in life that is I can actually see kind of off putting. I don't like the pressure that can come with a great deal of life, other people thrive on it and that can create friction between myself and others. I'm nonchalant sometimes because being serious about it gives me a great deal of anxiety.