@kateyesofgreen thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. You’ve given me a lot of insight and some hope to aspire to. First, let me say that I’m so sorry for all you’ve endured. I know it’s not much consolation, but no one deserves abuse or maltreatment and frankly you deserve/d better. I’m glad to hear you’re at peace and while you may still have your issues you are working towards a positive goal and “ thriving “ As they say. But I am curious, did you have any of the following issues coming to terms with everything?

1) I have a very hard time accepting the memories for what they are. I guess from a psychological standpoint, it would make sense a lot of sense. As a child I couldn’t come to terms with who my mom was and the treatment of me, that wound is still open and the problem remains to be fixed. It’s no wonder I hid that part away in my mind. I know that I’m being vague and I do apologize for that. I would really like to express more but my pride, sense of shame, tendency to withdraw and sheer distrust in most things and many people contribute to that. I hope you understand. Without knowing the situation, I feel I can relate a lot to what you’ve mentioned in your post. And reliving these moments, I know the person I’m seeing, hearing, touching is my mother but I can’t get myself to put two and two together in this case. I can’t let myself believe it was this way. Like you, I chalked up everything my mom has done to her being neurotic. The emotional and psychological abuse which I’ve known my whole life is one aspect. With these memories come so much physical violence, both witnessed and endured. This is the person I just can’t associate with who I know it is. I feel panicked and scared when I try to understand it. So my question to you is, did you have issues accepting the memories for what they were in the way I’m talking about? Knowing that it did in fact happen and others and attest to it, but unable to put the fragments together or associate one with the other?

2) were there any specific coping tools that seem to help you get through the hardest part of your PTSD? Currently I’m using a very simplistic method that I’ve kind of constructed myself. Because I can’t afford to break down, i’m almost 30 and have to be an adult and live life. There’s no room for all this now. But it has to be dealt with. So, every day I allot time to listen to a playlist of songs which have a deep and emotional meaning for me. I listen to them, I write a little, I express emotions a little by talking out loud, or just allowing myself to feel such as crying or feeling anger and remind myself that even though it’s unfair I have to relive these moments I technically have already “survived”, I am still waking forward and that’s all anyone can really ask of me. Was there any one tool That helped you the most? Just curious.

3) I have a hard time accepting the diagnosis of PTSD because as serious and life-threatening the situations were I minimize the danger and the abuse in my head. I absolutely hate the Rhetoric of “survivorl”, because it feels as if I should be accomplished and strong. I had to freaking eliminate the memories to even cope, how is that a survivor? That’s a broken person who could not deal with how life was. I can’t survive what I never really dealt with. I guess the idea of survivor changes after therapy, but to hear people say I survived the trauma is almost insulting. I wouldn’t be in this position if that had happened. did you ever have problems accepting what you knew from the memories and emotions was abuse and you had to enter “survival mode” to carry on?

All that being said, on some level I know it’s just typical feelings and ideas of someone with PTSD. But I wanted your take on it, if you don’t mind sharing with me.

I have life goals I want to continue working toward but my depression and anxiety and cPTSD are big hinderances in all that I guess the sooner I find ways to accept what happened and let go the better. Therapy with a new therapist is hard . I still have my old one as backup though. I hope to find a way out of this hole.

Last question: what was your biggest support system/person/group? What and how did they help you? Could you recommend anything?

Thanks again for reading. It means a lot.

MarcusAurelius