It’s 5:46 in the morning and I woke up from some bizarre dreams. I’ve been having those lately.: I don’t remember much after I wake up but that’s probably for the best. I’m hoping I get stuff done today. It’s my last day off and I gotta get stuff taken care of. I do always have tomorrow in the day but honestly I’ll kick myself if I wait anymore. It’s really hard for me to “adult” right now. I’m actually noticing I’m not getting out of bed except to eat. I’m not depressed necessarily but it’s just a comfort I guess. This PTSD stuff ain’t no joke. I won’t get into it here; that’s not what this thread is for. Just know I struggle even accepting that’s what this is. Maybe that intensive outpatient wasn’t a bad idea. It’s a shame it really does interfere with my work schedule.

I don’t understand my emotions. I want to apologize for going overboard crazy with the diet thing. It was a nice distraction from all this and if my mind was busy with that I didn’t have to think about other things. Plus I’m just obsessive about new stuff lol. Either way I’ve been annoying about it and I’m sorry. I’ll cut back.

My med tweaks seem to have helped a lot. I definitely feel as if I’m in a better frame of mind than before. Situation aside, I think the meds have helped with that.

One day I’ll stop being so pitiful and deal with life like everyone else has to do. My complaining it’s hard doesn’t make it less hard, you know? At least I’m at a point in my life where I want to rebuild a life. For a long while now I had no want to start again.

If I sum up this moment and feeling it’s one of unease. I guess running away, literally and metaphorically, is the only coping mechanism Ive ever known how to do. I get stuck in the cycle and honestly? It’s familiar and I feel better there. They say the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t. I guess that’s what I’m getting at here. It’s so much easier for me just to hold onto pain and stop trying to defeat this, and this depression, and mental illness, and working towards a better life. At least I know where I stand and where it’s gonna go, how it plays out and how to unhealthily deal with the pain.

I guess I’ll try to get some more rest. I’m not doing myself any favors writing this. So when is the hypomanic phase gonna come back ‘round? Haha (ok, not a funny joke— but trying to break the tension brewing here and lighten the mood)

Goodnight;

MarcusAurelius