I have thought of other helping areas, like a doctorate in psychology. When I looked at the requirements for getting in, I'm not sure I can qualify. And there are a few number if spots available at each program. It could take years to get in. In the past I thought about accounting, but the tests where too difficult and worth 70% of the total grade. Needless to say I transferred to music. Then when an injury happened I had to rethink that choice and I went with psychology to better understand myself. And that was the first two years of undergrad. After I graduated with my bachelor's, I found a job working with those who are tried by development issues. That's when I fell in love with helping. It filled a need for connection, something I didn't have because I didn't trust friends. I had someone stab me in the back and that resulted in changing schools and that's when I decompensated farther.

Even putting this on PC is hard! I'm fearful of making friends because of so much hurt, and therefore I went into the helping field to get a need met. When applying for jobs, I have few references. I feel lonely but I'm scared to make friends and professional relationships.

I'm not even sure how to make friends now and not push them away. And admitting that is like a knife to the heart. It hurts. My sponsor is encouraging me to reach out to others to talk and find out how the other person's day is, but that seems like it will hurt me in the end.

Yet I know that continuing with my degree will bring growth. I am concerned about getting everything in, and completed. But I am also concerned about not having much to do. When I am bored I reach for addictive behavior and that isn't helping me make friends. In the end I push those people away too.

Writing this has been helpful yet hard and painful. Part of this was sparked by a question that my t asked me, "what are you getting from your clients?" The truth is each person helps me grow a bit and I am empowered by helping them improve. When that doesn't happen I get frustrated and want to end the relationships. I am transferring some of my issues to them, countertransference.

I don't know how to get everything in between work and my studies and continuing education for work, and choose to make friends. Yet I wonder if I have my needs met, would I still choose this degree program. Other dreams have not worked out, and I need something to work. I am desperate. But I am hopeful that this will help one person her on PC.

No matter how desperate I feel, I can still make the choice to connect with others, and push them away less.