I have such deep existential questions about myself lately.

This whole thing, going into this school, has me questioning my identity as an individual. I can feel my brain morphing into this existential being. Not literally feel, but like sense or recognize, I mean. The whole past 5 years I’ve tried to keep my life superficial in my interests. Superficial, as in, not having my interests go deep like I did when I was sick. Because going too deep would cause psychosis. So I’d watch keeping up with kardashians, my 600 lb life, etc. Play stupid burner games like cheap games that only play to my interests for a week or so. I kinda kept away from books or read books that I already knew how they turned out, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to my psyche.

Now...idk. I feel myself wanting to challenge myself again. Challenge my intelligence and build my knowledge. And For the first time in my life I’m actively reading a multitude of books. Not just one. And I’m actually reading them. Not just saying I am and hopefully meaning to get around to them.

I wonder if it’s not a big deal to open my psyche/mind back open to new ideas about the world, or just to actively read the challenges of other people, etc, anything that challenges my brain capabilities/capacity. Not like reading/watching horror-type stuff that would put me into psychosis but just opening up to books that make me think deep again.

No I’m not psychotic right now. If anything hypo, but this is something I that has been going on since I been in recovery. For a reason. When I would read my philosophy books again, I’d get into a conspiracy mode of thinking. But I don’t seem to now.