The first thought I had upon waking was the memory of his body lying next to me in bed. There was a perfect spot on his chest where I would lay my head and drape my arm over his chest. Sometimes he’d grab my hand.
And then the black hole of despair hit as my next thought was that there is another woman (albeit the 21 yr old meth addict he cheated and replaced me with) in MY spot. My heart actually aches and sometimes it feels like something has stolen my breath right out of my body. We’ve been separated for 5 years, but because the hope was that he’d work toward sobriety while I’m working on my master’s degree, that we’d be back together. He never did work on anything. He had periods of not using, but was never in recovery. And continued relapsing. But maintained-every day until 12 days ago-that he loves me and wants to work this out. And here I am, devastated, betrayed, treated like the last 15 years of our lives together meant nothing, and I still long for him. It’s awful. And I’m graduating in 3 weeks after this intense 4 yr program. It all seems so pointless now.