Ya it's funny, I feel the need to have a firearm around me pretty much 24/7. Yet even the thought of needing to use it gets me spun up. Maybe that is why I am so surprised at what happened, maybe there is some denial there, idk. I am hoping I can get to the point where the firing range is separated out from my past experiences. I don't know it sometimes seems impossible to fight this stuff. One thing I have had to admit as true is that the more I avoid stuff the worse my symptoms get. Figuring out that I'm always going to be working at this has been pretty bitter.

I think I'm mostly just venting my frustration at this point. It's probably just part of the process. I think I get unrealistic expectations at times and it's good to hear from people that have more experience in this arena, even if it's not what I wanted to hear. It mirrors what I have heard from other knowledgeable people too. I'm just going to work at it, and try to accept how it is. Thanks for the reply Bethrags, have a good day.