|
Guest
|
Jul 28, 2020 at 11:51 AM
I'm sorry for intruding into your conversation, but I was hoping to make a few comments.
First - wow you both set aside time to feel things on purpose. The mere idea terrifies me (which probably means it's a good idea, haha) but it makes me wonder why none of my therapists have suggested it, since all of them have been annoyed with me for being numb.
Kate, you said, "talk to a human who intended me no harm and conveyed no impatience. " and this struck such a chord with me. I only know ONE person like this, and she has PTSD too. And I don't call her because I don't want to bother her when she has her own problems, lol. I don't really want to call anyone, really, because all I'd do at those times when I feel most alone is just sit and cry, and I can do that without a phone to my ear, haha.
You are both inspirational to me - making forward progress!!! I'll keep watching this thread, if you don't mind. 
You are not intruding! We are all just trying to encourage and learn from each other.
I hope your therapists aren't really "annoyed" with you.
As you may or may not have read about me, I'm a survivor as well as a retired therapist. And as a therapist, symptoms never annoyed me. The client can't help those! That is what we Ts are trained to find creative approaches to! I'd recommend asking if you think this is happening, and an honest T will say no, I'm not annoyed with you but it may be you are annoyed with how disabling the symptoms feel right now.
Also, I know what it's like to feel that I was such a burden to my abuser that I must be to everyone else. It's okay to ask for reassurance from a T or from anyone.
And if your one friend who might be an understanding listener is able to say how often you might be able to call and if she's feeling overwhelmed, then you could perhaps still help each other. Don't rule out hotlines either. Some listeners are really empathetic. It helps to have a non-judgmental human, live, focused, caring present-day voice when the past voices or inner critic are yelling at you.
If I am going numb in my current therapy, I no longer lose track of my current surroundings, I just lose the ability to think about what T is saying and respond. So I'll say that--"I'm stuck." Or you could even develop a hand signal. A good therapist who knows you can sometimes tell if you are blanking out.
And my T gets it (we've been working together off and on for a dozen years) and T helps me localize into my body. If my stomach is clenching (common for me) or my head feels exploding or my limbs are going numb or whatever, we work on what message that might convey. If I have no words, T offers some possibilities until I can latch onto one and work with it. Sometimes I just say, "oh, ouch" and T knows where I'm at developmentally. My T leaves me with better understandings every single session.
The thing that I'd like to add is the developmental piece. For childhood abuse, there were normal stages that were derailed. This leaves me with big gaps for things that seem straightforward to others. Like trust/distrust (check out Erik Erickson), and autonomy, and shame/guilt. When I know what areas I need to "grow up" in, then I can think about how a "good enough" parent would have responded to what I'm currently going through and try to talk myself through.
I have 2 grown kids, and I can think about how I would have responded when they as little ones said things I'm still feeling even as an adult. "I'm scared." "My tummy hurts." "I can't do that." "Something awful is about to happen." "I can't explain." "This is too hard for me."
It is just simple kindness to get alongside someone who is lost inside wordless anguish and say "I'm here. We'll figure it out. You are okay. I love you. Hush now and just breathe." When we consider how that would have consoled us as children, we can try to give it to ourselves now.
I'm getting wordy. I'll stop now.
Just keep breathing. I am really proud of all of us who bravely fight to come out from the darkness. Healing is possible! 
  
|
|
|
 Reply With Quote
|