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Jul 29, 2020 at 10:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toughcooki
I 1000% valued everything you just said - not too many words for me, anyway, lol!
I have had a few Ts who I knew were NOT annoyed with me, were very patient and sweet. My Psych-doc is that way too. I have had a few Ts who, without, question, were annoyed with me. I'm blocking myself from feeling emotions on purpose, I'm deliberately using my coping mechanisms to not take things seriously, I'm not remembering even though I could if I really tried, because it only works if you work it. Etc. I know 'mind reading' isn't advisable, but my parents were totally nuts, and I had to be able to screen out clues VERY well, and tell when they were getting annoyed, or whatever, because that meant I needed to make a swift exit for my own health and safety. Over the years, I've learned that I can make those same judgements, correctly, about other people as well. Interestingly, my youngest child has inherited the ability to read faces without any of the corresponding trauma. If we play poker, she can tell me what cards are in my hand, lol. (No kidding, I won't play poker with her, because she always wins. She'll say, "Oh, you just got an Ace. I fold" and be right!) I can't tell what people are going to do, or what they're thinking, but I can tell if they're getting annoyed, impatient, or angry, and I typically respond with either flee or fawn, lol.
I just don't know what to do about asking people to listen. I don't even know what I would say if I asked someone to listen. I don't think I have anything TO say, I just feel terrible, and what can anyone do about that other than listen and feel bad for me? And that just makes them feel terrible too! I don't want to be the Johnny Appleseed of misery, so I just keep it to myself.  |
Ha, the Johnny Appleseed of misery! That's a good one!
I used to feel exactly the same way. And my default may always be to keep things hidden within, though I've learned to recognize and counter it.
I have learned this comes from 2 things: 1) never having anyone who cared to try to soothe me so having no experience or expectation of how that might be forthcoming and worth the risk of revealing my need; and 2) absorbing the idea that my pain and need and even my presence is a burden to others. As my sister said of my mother always referring to me as "a difficult baby"--you weren't difficult, you were just a normal baby and she didn't want to be bothered!
My 2 most excellent T's gentle offering of the compassion of empathy, reliably and whether I could take it in at that moment or not, taught me that caring humans can be a source of genuine relief. Even if I have to steal away with their words or even their tearing up for me and savor the consolation later, I would tell them the next session and my lesson was being learned. I always took notes immediately after sessions because I'd suppress the moments of real connection from my mind so quickly just like you to "protect" even when what I was running from was attunement that I desperately needed.
Putting my tears into words is a skill that helps decrease the numbing. For me it's like getting out of the wordless terror of right brain images by employing left brain verbal and analytical strategies. And yes, it's work. But I find it so empowering!
I totally get now what you mean about reading annoyance. My reading tells me that I likely over-interpret toward the negative, but yes I learned to read people as a a survival skill. That turned out to work well for me as a therapist because I was very focused on the process inside the client moment by moment, and that attunement alone is healing.
Here's the reason why it's self care and healing to risk reaching out to a listener. In trauma, neurons in our brains are put on high alert and stuck there. Like sympathetic system dominance over parasympathetic. This causes most of the key PTSD symptoms. So if I connect with someone who can remain calm and empathetic while I am in anguish, my neurons will come to mirror theirs and my brain actually changes to less screaming and more just honest and understandable emotion of a traumatized child. I can take in soothing and learn to soothe myself. It's transformational.
This journey is effortful. There have been many many times when I have resented that I even have to do all this work. But I'm now accepting that I have a determined resilience in me, and that's an admirable quality I can credit to most of us who are on this path through no fault of our own. God bless folks who've never been through trauma, especially in childhood, but it's hard for them to grasp just how much courage we survivors possess! March on!
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