I apreciate that you can open up about your experience here... I am saddened to read that you can sometimes enter a state in which you feel you are not in control of your thoughts to the point of suicidal or self-destructive behaviors, but I suppose you (and I) can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people experience similar symptoms. Everyone with bipolar has their own version of this, and it will take time for you to find the right meds and doctors.

I hope I can help to say that I have experienced many things similar to what you go through since I was diagnosed at 21. Three years later, things are very good. I am managing my bipolar well and it is a non-issue (kind of like annoying background elevator music).

I hope you find a way to get to that emotional and biochemical state that you desire. I am a true believer in finding enlightenment.