Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop
My counselor and I have talked a lot about my poor boundaries with people and my anxiety at work.
Basically, she has encouraged me to focus more on self-care and to back away from things like volunteering for extra projects or going the extra mile at work.
She has encouraged me to just let it go... emotionally... when my outcomes aren’t very good or I’m on the “bad” list for poor results... because once I’ve done the best I could... all these things are completely out of my control.
She has suggested that I help people only if it’s within my job responsibility... or if it’s not a big inconvenience for me... She has encouraged me not to go out of my way for someone who could figure things out for themselves.
She has suggested that I continue to be pleasant at work but not to take on the responsibility of making people “happy” at work. For example, I tend to go out of my way to be very cheerful, friendly and positive and then I am upset when people do not reciprocate. She has suggested I put that energy into the people who do reciprocate and just remain neutral and professional with those who don’t.
I must say this feels weird. It feels weird not being “helpful” all day... It feels like I am kind of slacking. It feels like I’m being cold and distant when I’m used to being very friendly and helpful.
Yet I’m also realizing how silly it has been for me to have always been trying to do more than I needed to or worry over things I just couldn’t control. It created anxiety and conflict when I did this.
I thought I was being a “team player” but I really wasn’t. I am feeling a higher level of anxiety right now. I hope I get used to this. I keep worrying I will “get into trouble” for making a mistake or not doing something “perfectly.” I am very careful about documenting a lot to cover myself... I’m also uncomfortable with the tension here... our boss is controlling and mean and people aren’t happy here. I hate that I pick up on all the negative vibes.
I thought I wanted to apply for a management position but my husband said we don’t need the little bit of extra money and just do what makes me happy... I guess for now... slacking off a bit will make me happy.
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I agree 100% with your therapist's suggestions. They are all
excellent suggestions, and I think it will really help you to follow them.
From what I know from all your threads and posts, you do take on too much responsibility at work and out of kindness and wanting to help out, which is admirable, but it's hurting you. And it's healthy to realize and know that that's not your job.
You know, one thing I personally realized? Most people do not work that hard. Most people work only just enough so as not to get fired. I am nearly 50, and this is what I've witnessed over and over again at a number of workplaces.
So, you don't need to make up for other people's lack of work ethic. You have a very strong work ethic, as do I, so I can relate, but it's not your responsibility to make up where others lack.
And, you know what else I've learned?
Is that while on the one hand, friendships certainly CAN happen and blossom at work, generally speaking, people at work are not your friends. People are at work ultimately to earn a living, to make ends meet and to look out for themselves. Many people are far too self absorbed in their own lives, and many people are far more selfishly oriented. It's the rare person who thinks outside themselves all the time. And I see you as being that rare kind of person.
And no, it's not your job to make everyone happy at work. That's a great lesson to learn and to take away with you.
If you start viewing your job from a different light -- like, this is where I work, I am not here to create new friendships necessarily, I am here to make a living. I have limits and boundaries, and I don't need to take on more than I can, and I am not here to make others happy - I just need to make myself and my boss happy - that's a healthy perspective to maintain.
Hugs to you.
PS. I like your therapist!