Hi again,
I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I know I started this thread and I really enjoyed reading all be insight and valuable connections with people who understand. However, I feel him at an impasse. Let me know if you experience something familiar because it’s something I don’t really know how to deal with.

When all these memories came back to me, I spent hours thinking about it, ruminating on it and talking it out with myself. I talked to my therapist about it. Hell, I talked to anyone who would listen (well, just one friend). When I say hours I mean countless hours. I work 10 hour shifts at work and I spent at least three days talking to myself and contemplating this while I worked. It made work go by quicker which was great, however it left me completely mentally exhausted. I meet weekly with my therapist and I canceled on her this week. I just couldn’t go through it again and again and again with her. Nothing against her, I just couldn’t mentally make myself do it.

I’m just so damn tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I rehashed this scenario over and over and over and I know that I have not “resolved“ everything and I know that I’m not “cured“, but in a sense it’s not affecting me like it was. At least not consciously is what I’m saying. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just wanna break. I’ve recently entered into a depression with very common symptoms for me. Not getting out of bed, feeling alone, wanting to be alone, not eating or over eating, constantly trying to sleep but never getting rest. That kind of stuff. I explained it to my psychiatrist today and we made some more medicine switch ups. In six years I’ve tried like 14 medicines, in different combinations, as monotherapy, and different dosages etc. I’m so tired of trying to find something that’s going to help, especially something that will help long-term. He put me on an anti-depressant that didn’t work for me. It was mono therapy at the time, and I didn’t care for the side effects that I gave. However he suggests that we try it with my other medicines. I am not holding my breath. I don’t know if it will help but I know that it takes these medicines a while to get in your system and help you feel better. It’s like starting all over again.

And I may be splitting hairs here, and it may just be me denying that my PTSD is a chief complaint. However, my psychiatrist asked about sleep and if I’ve had any nightmares or bad dreams. I’m not reliving the moments anymore or doing much thinking about them, but when I sleep I do have bad dreams and nightmares more about my current situation and failed attempts of certain things that do bother me. Perhaps they are related, since they did start after these memories came back and I am not able to process them cognitively while awake.... but he decided to prescribe me a medicine called prazosin. It’s supposed to help with PTSD related nightmares. It’s actually a blood pressure medicine. I feel it’s unnecessary and I don’t want to take it, in fact I don’t wanna take any of the medicines. I believe in medicine adherence and that it can help, don’t get me wrong. I just feel kind of defeated.

My therapist is trying to help me, my psychiatrist is trying to help me, and they all seem to think since day one, before these memories came back, before anything that I had PTSD. They are professionals in their opinion should matter more than mine in this regard. But I do think they are missing the big picture. PTSD may be the root of all my problems, who the hell knows. We’re talking about stuff that happened 20+ years ago. I’m sure all that affected me somehow and my depression and anxiety and whatnot they all stem from PTSD. Let’s just for the sake of argument say that. But I have suffered depression and anxiety my whole life. They may just be symptoms of something greater, but their symptoms that I need help with. I guess what I’m trying to say is even if they stem from PTSD, I’m just not convinced that if we “ remedy“ the PTSD that suddenly these other problems are going to disappear. It’s a complicated subject I guess and I’m not being too cooperative I guess either.

I guess what I’m asking is did you ever just feel so tired of talking about it and thinking about it? I sincerely mentally do not have the issues about flashbacks or rumination or anything right now. In my waking life, anyway. I just can’t force myself to process it anymore. Please tell me I’m not alone here...

I just want to feel like someone can understand all that.

MarcusAurelius

(P.S. I dictated this to my phone so if it doesn’t make sense; sorry. It still makes less errors than I do typing: haha.)