I feel dead sometimes in the spaces between when T is on vacation. The dead feeling is a numbness. In a weird way I don't even want to go back to therapy next week. I have found myself totally pissed at him for going away and then of course saying to my self "Well, he's on vacation, that's normal."
Then I think I'll just punish him by canceling a session next week.

I wonder if these are my different self states speaking. I miss him, I'm mad at him, I can' stand the pain of reconnection so I would rather avoid it. Because if I don't reconnect I won't have to go through this again.

Arggghhhh

Of course I won't do any of these things but right now I'm mad at him. It makes it easier for him to be away from me.

So there!!