I talked to my husband. He told me I can't skip meds. (I skipped last night) I don't normally skip. I want meds that work for me or no meds, currently my meds are not working. (my head is loud, I'm not real, and am numb but want to cry at the same time.) I'm no longer suicidal (a couple of days) or homicidal (3 weeks). H wants me to write down 5 things I really want. one can be no meds. I HATE being a burden to my husband and yes he complained all the time about going there. He did say he'll do it if that's what me and the Dr. decide. He's going to be in the call this time so I don't argue but I advocate. Even if we don't change meds I need to see pdoc 1x a month and T 1x a week. This every three months thing makes it more likely I'm non-compliant. I don't know what 5 things I want to be the top issues. I don't think no meds are going to make the list **** I don't think not being numb is going to make the list. I want to be independent at least at home alone.

I think my depersonalization is coming from the fact I stayed home by myself for 7 hours and the majority of the time I was hearing someone drilling through our door to get in. I need to be able to either cook for myself or answer the door when home alone. It's not good for me not to eat or drink if left alone. I don't understand why I was more okay in WV then I am here. Maybe because I knew my neighbor was always home if I needed something.

I'm doing to have to have a serious conversation with my T she doesn't know I was homicidal or suicidal a couple of weeks ago. She knows I keep things from her. I'm not sure she even knows those thoughts can cross my mind. I've never had them depressed before but I felt that was the only option to our current situation. I've talked to her about the situation not my thoughts. I came up with a better temporary solution. She does say I have a very serious illness so maybe she realizes. I did say my mood was a 3 out of 10. 2 (for me is we have to talk about hospitalization), 1 (is hospitalization IS required) But I don't know if she knows my scale. Right now because I'm numb and not real I'd be a 5 maybe a 4.5 because my head is loud.