Hi. I’m very recently single after an almost 3 year nightmare with my ex who is a (from what I understand having researched NPD for countless hours) malignant narcissist. The abuse is just like the literature describes: love bombing, gas lighting, devaluation, abandonment, constant cheating, anger and often rage, stealing, non stop manipulation, lying lying and more lying, triangulation, physical and major financial abuse.

I’m so exhausted and dumbfounded having found myself in this situation in my mid 40s. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship til now and I’m angry at myself first for not recognizing what was going on until I was fully invested in the relationship, second for not loving myself enough to leave immediately when I did figure out what was happening, and third for going back to the asshole time after time even though I knew he’d take advantage of me again.

I guess I’m “trauma bonded” at this point because there’s no other explanation to why I would allow it to keep happening when I’m an educated woman who is not normally passive and can (I thought) stand up for myself.

It’s only been two days that I’ve went no contact with my ex. He’s contacted me 19 times in the last few days, mostly through text and the rest phone calls. I have not answered any calls or texts. The texts go from telling what a horrible human I am to asking if he gets to see me that night and how much he misses me. All that while he is currently seeing and staying at another woman’s house.

Even through all the abuse I find myself missing him. At least the sweet part of him. He is a master manipulator and can woo me with his charm very easily. I hate that. I hate that I know he’s full of **** but I go and see him just to feel good for a short time and ease my anxiety. I know I’m only going to get his scraps of affection yet I do it anyway.

I’ve always been the pretty blonde girl with an hour glass figure and never had as low of self esteem like I do at this point. I feel utterly ugly and unlovable.

In joining this forum I hope I can glean some more clarity as to how and why I got in this position, why I attracted a narcissist, how not to attract another one going forward, and what I hope for the most is; to get myself back, the person I once was who was fun loving, social, kind, brave, confident, smart, and humble-if that’s even possible. Crossing my fingers because this is no way to live.