I don't like this and can see it is not ok to write here just to be negative... But i feel so dirty, guilty, almost cruel for the way I destroyed my family

My twenties are an eggshell... I don't know why I couldn't act normally, with balance... I was a destroying machine without fully realizing it

I've been through so much non-sense
University drop-out, changing jobs and losing them, long unemployment periods, never fully grounded, never relaxed and in control. Possible schizophrenia and internet addiction un the middle of my twenties / adult life
I could have been ok, a part of me is normal, patient and I could surely be productive at work
But I... I didn't know how to live(?) I think this is the point


My family was humble and fragile... they were struggling to keep up, to be good...

I can't believe I managed my (and their...) time so poorly. I was unaware, lost my mind

"Face the present!" my not so normal sister screams to me. Yes, I see the point. i'm left with almost nothing. I used to think i would be dead by now
It's complicated, my older sister had more mental problems than me and was absent all the time. I was a lot more caring with her and the family... and still not with myself (and them)
I see I have a life, but it is so hard to wake up in this disaster... nothing more to laugh about it

I've been frozen