Quote:
Originally Posted by kateyesofgreen
I'm sure you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Whatever her issues, you are not finding success in your current approach to setting boundaries with her. And limit setting is clearly needed.
Currently it seems most of your energies are going into almost obsessing about the details of the last conflict. She's living in your head in a kind of hopeless and defeated loop. Often the things that a troubled person is pushing for (others being locked in a struggle with them) are far from the things that person needs or will benefit from. It doesn't help either of you to be going round and round this way. So it's time for trying new thinking and behaviors!
I wonder if you could focus elsewhere than where she seems to push you. Put energy into seeking information about how to set boundaries, especially with folks who have mental health issues. There's the classic Boundaries book, and the Al Anon literature is great in how to stop codependent enmeshment, and on this site the article on 15 Things Not To Do With Borderline Personality has excellent general advice.
It doesn't matter what the specific diagnosis is if strategies for boundary setting start working for you when you employ them consistently. And that resolute consistency is crucial. Once you've really accepted that the current cycle is not helping anyone, and that it's the kindest thing you can do for everyone to get off the merry go round, then you can be determined and constant in a new approach of your own choosing.
May you find relief in taking empowered action!
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Thank you for this.
I agree I do get obsessed by our fights, but after so many years of this, my strategy is to live alongside her, but stay out of her way. Even when we try to do something or spend time together, it doesn't usually end well.
I mean the night I described with the pot, I was happily minding my own business. I did nothing to her. She was the one who had attitude. I guess it just always shocks me how little love or respect she has for her own mother.
As for limit setting, I agree, but she refuses to live by any limits. I think I need her to move out. There is nothing we have tried that has made her obey or follow limits. And her attitude is - what can you do to me?
I will definitely look up the books and articles you have provided but I will say I will spend not too much time on it because I am at the point where I have already spent significant time on trying to find a path that works and have not found it yet. I have tried. It's utterly soul destroying. Bottom line I dont think she has has little if any love for me.
I said this to another poster, but unless I had a supernanny type person in my ear teaching me how exactly to respond to her, I'm not sure what else will work. She's a master manipulator and I don't have back up in dealing with her.