It's 2:40 AM and I can't stop crying. Something made me think too much about my Charlie cat and I just lost it. I'm terrified of what this will be like in a matter of months when I have to lose a human if this is what it feels like to lose a cat.

I can't stop thinking of his last moments. His last 30 minutes really. There's nothing I could have done. He was dying and if we'd had an emergency vet they would have suggested euthanasia anyway I think. I just wish that it hadn't been the way it was.

I even know deep in my heart that he is happier now. He was on meds most of his life and even though I paid to have them compounded into much smaller doses he hated med time. In recent months I wasn't getting much into him most night. He just spit it out. It wasn't a happy thing and every day I felt guilty forcing him to take it. I just wish he were happier and off meds and HERE. We tried to wean meds in June and it didn't work and I think started the downward spiral.

This is so long. I'm sorry. I just need to "talk" and hope it helps the tears. I took my PRN gabapentin and am allowed PRN klonopin if I want it. I just don't want to go back up on that; getting off has been so slow because stressful things keep happening.

Thanks for listening.