Hi everyone,
I haven’t been to sleep yet. I am tired but I close my eyes and sleep just doesn’t come. My psychiatrist told me I can take the remaining seroquel to help me sleep, but the dosage I took didn’t make me tired and I don’t wanna play around with it. It’s more a mix of my schedule and wacky sleep patterns than anything else, although my mind is restless.

The blurred vision from the new meds is a little worse today than yesterday. It only bothers me when I try to read. Luckily it wears off after about 12 hours and I can see again. (I have been logging time that passes after taking my meds — no real reason behind it; I guess just to have record of when side effects hit after taking the medicine). The blurred vision comes at night when i take the two new meds so it’s not that big of a deal.

I know I’m depressed and it’s hit hard and fast. I’ve been skipping work, lying in bed and not moving and definitely keeping to myself. I can’t afford to keep on like this so Sunday I go back to work, even though I feel like this. I’ve had my days to just rest and be alone...honestly it’s all I want to continue to do but I have to have money, if for nothing else to pay to stay here.

I don’t do anything during the day. I try to sleep, read the forum, maybe watch a little YouTube... that’s it. I have plenty I could be doing , both fun and necessary crap, but I just can’t find the energy to do it. I feel like I live in a state of depression. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my patterns and “warning signs”. You know, I know it sounds irresponsible and it is, but I just realized I’ve done a lot more stuff while hypomanic than I realized. I’ve recognized the big stuff like spontaneously flying to another country with no plan, for example. But The most recent stint while off my meds because I couldn’t afford them at the time I decided I wanted to be closer to God. For about two weeks I found myself obsessed with learning Ecclesiastical Latin and biblical Greek, I bought a $500 software program that is intended mainly for theology students and scholars, made a very demanding prayer schedule and bible reading guide and the catechism. Started at least 6 books on Christianity, downloaded multiple ebooks on the topic, looked into getting a second masters in catechetical studies from Steubenville, watched EWTN daily, downloaded multiple apps for prayers and resources, even would bathe with my phone so I could continue studying and within two weeks time, I just stopped caring about it: it wasn’t that important anymore. I was out $500 and almost got a loan to get another degree I would never even be able to use... this must be what my therapist is seeing that I’m apparently oblivious to until now. It’s that behavior that until now seemed harmless and as I don’t have anyone close to me, no one to tell me I’m being crazy. Just a revelation.

I’m being long winded, I know. I’m sorry for that— sometimes it’s hard for me to dial it back. The monologue in my head never ceases haha. My point was even though I stay depressed and I definitely recognize those symptoms and seek help for them; the hypomanic stuff I really can be blind to. I know that’s common; who seeks help when they feel good? Without delusions or hallucinations it’s not a bad ride. Except when the ride ends.

I guess I’m saying I need to track my patterns better and use my mood chart that I created personally and used for like a week. I’m really bad about starting something and not finishing it. Or spending good money on things I may not pick up again. It reminds me of a lyric in a song

“I don’t buy everything I read....I haven’t even read everything I’ve bought.”

Haha

Anyway, so a mini goal for me is to be better at tracking my mood and trying to stay on course with meds. Being depressed is gonna really make that hard. Keeping appointments, going to work, pushing through— they’re not options. I may hate every day I experience from now until kingdom come but I have to do it.

I won’t feel this way forever— I just hope the change happens sooner than later.