There’s definitely something going on with her behavior and authority defiance which has been on-going and chronic. How did she do in school? Is she in college?

There’s also something going on between you and your husband in that he didn’t pipe up when she called you vile names bringing up a very personal marital issue. I presume you worked that issue out with him and he’s moved on from it. His silence here is strange. Do you have conversations with him about that? Where is the disconnect where you two are not united as parents of her? This is an important discussion between you and him.

I also worry in these situations how violent it could get. It’s better to be safe and wait out getting her out and somewhere else when the time comes.

If you don’t feel any love from her, I believe you that there isn’t any love from her. I hope she does grow up and realize her parents have value and shows love. It can happen. It can also go the other way and she could become a really bad person committing crimes. It’s really scary and that’s not your fault as parents. No one is perfect and you are very good parents, even if for just the fact you are keeping her fed and sheltered right now proves it. She may have a diagnosable issue, she may be able to get help but she has to want it, she may just mature on her own in time.