I've had uncomfortable disrupted sleep two nights in a row. I woke up with my heart racing. I have also had a soreness in my left shoulder for no known reason. Of course then I immediately start worrying about my heart, which is likely irrational. I have had the same type of worries, off and on, since I was 14 years old. I suppose if my heart was that bad, I would have kicked the bucket decades ago. I always try to remind myself of that. So I took an Ativan after both "episodes" and it worked like a charm, predictably. Surely just anxiety in my sleep. I even had my husband listen to my heart, and he said it sounded fine. When I finally got up in the morning, my whole body ached a little. Who knows.

It looks lovely outside, but at the moment I feel a mild malaise. I hope that changes. It has been cooler outside lately. Probably because of some big rain storms.

At this moment, I have no excitement about anything. A trip we have planned may not happen, or only my husband will go. Or the itinerary will be cut down. My husband's brother is so ill that he may die this year. He wants to visit him, possibly for the last time. He visited an old work colleague at the hospital who is likely dying. That poor man had brain surgeries, then went into coma and had multiple organs fail, and both feet and a hand amputated. While in coma, his wife unexpectedly died. He can barely speak. He wrote a text asking for salmon mousse and liver páté. I bought the latter and made the former from a recipe. I fear it was a "goodbye" visit request, something I believe my nephew had with me years back, before he died from bipolar depression. My husband and I have our own doctors appointments coming up. I have to have a uterine biopsy, though the gyn doesn't think it's cancer. Still, I wish it was over with. As for my dad, I wish I could imagine him as he was 15 years ago, and make believe he is on a prolonged fishing trip in upstate PA or Alaska. Sometimes I try to imagine my nephew just being away at university. The worst is the void caused by my mother's death. I can't manage to ease that at all. She was always present during her life.

There is an eerie sense of death in the air. The pandemic obviously exacerbates this, literally and figuratively.