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*Beth* · Aug 01, 2020 at 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by here today

Hi Beth,

As you may remember, I had, and still have, a horrible negative transference to my last T, and eventually I connected it up to feelings that had been numbed out probably since childhood. Feeling that didn't change the transference a lot. I am now just somewhat more aware of how I have/had similar feelings about my life in the family when I was a child.

Yes, I do remember. I can't recall, though, if you talked with your therapist about your negative transference. If you don't mind sharing, would you fill me in about that?

So, given what you have said about your transferences, I wondered if you have thought about, or have any feelings about, how much some of your distress about M might be transferential, too? Reaction to abandonment stuff like I had? Could there be anything like that in your background? Not that that helps much with how to cope with this situation currently, but maybe there's some information there that is or has been hard to know. It may be my projection, and is certainly none of my business, but there is something about the 2 comments I quoted above that strike me that way.

Please let me know if you feel I'm horning in here where it's not wanted and I apologize if that's the case.

Thank you for caring enough to suggest - I'm grateful!

Yes, I have a very strong transference with M. Since yesterday evening, when I heard the message from her receptionist that M. won't be in again this coming week I've been twisting up. By tonight, I'm obsessing over M. I'm not sure where she ends and I begin.

I've just spent the past 2 hours trying to read a novel while fighting the transference feelings I have for my therapist. Trying so hard to fight them away, intellectualize them away. And the more I'm fighting, the worse it's getting. I actually thought about calling her on her private cell number (which I found online months ago). I'm not going to do that, but for an insane minute I considered it.

Possible trigger:

My childhood was full of inconsistency, abandonment, and abuse (physical, sexual, emotional).

My mom was severely mentally ill. Although she was occasionally hospitalized, the treatments back then (60's - '70's) were not great. She never stuck with any therapy or medication. She could be so sensitive and loving, but when she went off she did such things as set fires in the house, cover all the windows with black tarp because she believed there was poison coming into the house, etc. I wasn't allowed to open the windows and it was awful in there, living with the black tarp for weeks at a time.

When she was having an episode she would tell me she'd never wanted me and that while I was sleeping she would kill me. She knew my step-father was molesting me, but wouldn't do anything about it.

My step-father, a man who had been horribly treated as a child, was an alcoholic and a collector of child porn. He was a "hands-on" perpetrator, but he was also an exhibitionist. i.e., he exposed himself at any given time to me and masturbated (my mom was present during those times, she'd chide him and kind of shake her head. I guess I just numbed out).

In short, my mom could be loving in a certain way, but she was just...really unwell and uncontrollable.

My own father, who I had loved very much, suddenly remarried when I was 6. I rarely saw him after that; he died when I was 25.

In a nutshell, that gives you the general climate of my growing up years. Needless to say, I was an extremely anxious and seriously depressed child, then when I was a teen I developed bipolar disorder.

All the talk about transference here in this forum right now -- I think we're touching on some very important stuff. I appreciate what you've been posting about.

I entirely agree. I wish some of our therapists could read this board right now!

At this time I'm considering that M. has no idea of the power of my transference with her. Although it's miserable and embarrassing, I'm planning to compose an email to her this week-end and tell her exactly what's going on with me. She won't see the email until she returns to work, but...whatever. At least she will see it.

Thank you, here today.

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