I really don't know. I used to be pretty unhealthy when I was a teen and in my early 20s. It was stuff like depression, eating disorders and some self harm. Now I'm in my late 20s and I honestly much better than I did when I was younger, but still question wether I should seek help or not.

First of all, I'm doing very well in life. I have a dream job, really good career, 4 year relationship, building a ground for even a better career, family and I'm probably getting engaged soon (at least that's what my partner says). I'm actually doing better in life than most of the people I know. Generally, even when I struggle with myself or something in life, I try to find an inventive and unconventional way out that somehow usually works and this helps me a lot.

Knowing a way out of troubles, doesn't mean that I don't deal with feelings. Feelings that are really uncomfortable and habits that are like this too. But when I read about diagnostic criteria, there is always said that the problem must be a serious issue for the person. It must make his work or personal life really difficult and... neither my work nor my personal lives are difficult. I handle work really well, I have friends, family, a partner. Generally people like me.

Yet... I drink. Once again, I don't know if the dirking's an actual or not. I only drink in the evenings and I only get myself tipsy, never drunk. I need it for several reasons. First of all, I'm super busy and my job is extremely competitive, stressful and intellectually challenging. When I get home from work, I just find it difficult to calm down, so I need something to help me relax.

Second of all, I feel really good when I'm on the go, when I have stuff do, work to finish. But once when everything calms down, I feel empty. Like there's nothing for me to do and nothing makes any sense. The feeling of emptiness is the worst. When I let it roll, I end up feeling like the whole existence is pointless and I should never do anything, because everything will turn into dirt and ashes in the end. I get anxiety from this. Serious, crippling fear that can lead to panic attacks when I don't make myself numb.

Usually, when I don't drink for a day or two, I fall asleep feeling terrified of the emptiness that is all around me.

Third, when I don't drink... I feel bored. I'm really concerned with being successful and productive, so I make myself daily plans. They contain everything from work and hobbies to exercise. After a whole day of being a really good girl, I just feel so boring and predictive that I need to remind myself of at least a little riot.

I also excessively daydream of great, deep and wired emotions. I feel so much when I'm alone. When I dream, make up stories, listen to music and read poetry, but nothing in real life really makes me feel. I seek for the depth of feeling in real life that I feel in books and movies, but nothing real is like that. So then I just feel empty and unsatisfied. I can feel so much when I listen to an inspiring speech or listen to great music but dealing with people day to day, all live me so ****ing cold, numb and bored.

When I was younger, I used to think that if I make myself a really great person and I'll meet equally great people, the feelin' of boredom would go away, because everyone will be interesting. And so, whenever I felt like I wasn't good enough, I cut myself or went for a water fast for days straight.

Now, I'm an adult and I don't do that anymore. I've achieved most my ideals. Yet, people I meet and things that I experience are still unsatisfying and mostly bring me numb feelings.

I have a book deal and I write about exciting, reckless experiences that actually evoke extreme feelings within people and I feel a little satisfied writing and imaging it, but I'd like to actually feel something in real life.