I don't know if I'm able to bond correctly. Or, rather, if I've developed bonds correctly. I've been treated like **** a lot. Even by ppl in my own family.

I knit. A few years ago, my aunt asked me to knit her a skullcap. I didn't know how to knit a hat and wasn't in the headspace to learn. This past January, I knit her one. I texted her w the picture and told her I knit it for her. She didn't want it and said so. What bothers me most is that I tried to shrug it off. And did. I just said "ok." Like it wasn't a complete ****y thing she did to me. It took me a long time to knit it. She's not knit worthy. She's not worthy of my time either. This all just came up tonight for me.

I think my family is very messed up. I'm messed up. There's no bonds. If any of them died I'd likely be surprised, and sad with some, but I would not grieve. My Mom is the exception (though even my mom and I have a somewhat complicated relationship. She bullied me in college and was very controlling and is still invalidating when I'm upset at times, though she's grown a lot since my college days). I want relationships where I really care and love the person. Even my friends.....I don't have any friends like that.

I actually do care. I just wonder if it might not be me, and if it might be my family that's the problem. Though, it could be me. I am the common denominator here. I just don't think its all me. I think its my family, too. They are messed up.

I'm more affected by rejection, than by someone dying. I've been hurt a lot. I had low self esteem for a long time.

Maybe I will Google some things. I'd like to change this......

Also I'm ready for Covid to be over.

I just want to know someone who I love. And I'd be like, so sad if they ever died. Who doesn't hurt me. And who is a good fit for me. And I them.

I've reached out to my extended family here and there. They are cordial, nice, which is nice. I think I'm just saying I care. But I don't know how to get closer. And I'm scared. I'm also not sure they're capable of it.