I'm sorry I don't think I have any useful answers for you. But I wanted to leave a brief reply letting you know I read your post & wishing you the best.

About the only thing I can say is that I've made 2 major attempts on my life in the past. And the idea still rattles around in my brain daily. In my case, I keep telling myself another attempt simply is not an option. And I make myself keep doing what needs to be done. That's it.

There used to be a poster that showed (a cat I think it was) hanging by one paw at the end of a rope. And the caption read something like: "If you find yourself at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." That's about where circumstances are at for me. I hope you will be able to find the resources you need to carry on.