Thanks, Fuzz.

I went back and re-read some portions of what Raven and Jimi wrote, because these situations were so different from mine. I wanted to share some more.

I never had a friend who decided to actually stalk me. I've known very clingy people, but they had always also demonstrated other emotional issues which kind of gave me a heads-up that they were very needy. It never descended into actual stalking, there (there's a big difference). I dealt with them as best I could, and I think those situations worked out reasonably well. To have it happen with someone I once considered a friend would be extremely upsetting.

My stalkers were all romantically (and probably sexually) fixated. All 3 displayed the kind of loner, socially awkward tendencies that have been mentioned, to varying degrees. All 3 were originally fairly quiet, serious people. Otherwise, there was no early indication of underlying problems. They all changed dramatically at some point in our acquaintance with one another---one, because I could not carry on seeing them (just dating); another, who I lived with for a year, because he simply became unraveled for his own particular reason, which I will probably never fathom (it could have been an emotional disintegration similar to his father's, which I knew about, but never witnessed); and the last, an in-law that I chatted with at his Mom's funeral, and I guess that was enough of an excuse for him to fixate on me.

I am not so good looking that I think I'm anything special. I know that I am a very kind and soft-hearted person who doesn't like to see people hurting, or cut-off from society. I used to be very shy and awkward in my youth---so I know how painful it can be, to be stuck in that place. Unfortunately, sometimes, being kind, patient, very good to them is ALL it takes for them to feel you've given them a green light.

As I mentioned, when you're in the middle of a situation like this, no matter the causes, it always makes you feel as though perhaps you've done something wrong, sent the wrong signals. I want to assure everyone that NORMAL interactions with well-balanced individuals never take on this sort of fog of doubt and self-incrimination (well, except for perhaps when we are in a normal disagreement, which resolve themselves fairly quickly, by comparison). Yet, sometimes, to this day, I find myself questioning what it was that I did, that I could have done differently, that would have changed the equation in my favor, much earlier on.

I think the answer is, Nothing. Deluded and damaged people will, we now know, sometimes try and ensnare us in their strange emotional existence.

They also show a strong propensity for projecting their shortcomings onto us, as you both illustrated so well, Raven and jimi. That, alone, whenever I encounter it, is now a huge red flag for me, and a guarantee that I'm dealing with someone who needs far more help than I can give them. Projection, as a maladaptive behaviour, occurs under many types of mental instability---but I had a light bulb moment after reading your accounts. It was present in all 3 of my experiences, too.

A powerful, all-consuming self-absorption on their part, as well as an inability to moderate or distance themselves, and recognize their behaviour as inappropriate, were also very much present in all 3 circumstances.

I don't know what damage to my reputation my stalkers perpetrated at my expense. Any possible damage to your reputations will probably dissolve into the ether at some point, as well, I hope. You do seem like such good people. I don't know how that could ever be overlooked by anyone who genuinely knows the real you!

Sort-of related: I grew up with an extremely narcissistic, histrionic sister who continues to this day to carry on behind my back, accusing me of the worst kinds of things and bad mouthing me to all the relatives and mutual acquaintances she can find. So I know what that feels like. But I have also realized, over time, that the truth almost always comes out. People are smarter than we give them credit for. She will paint herself into a corner some day so badly with all of her lies and derision that no amount of manipulation, and none of her cleverness, will save her. And her irrational and vicious treatment of me will be exposed for what it's always been. I hope the same is true for you.

I would also say, you two especially are much more kind, tender-hearted, and long-suffering than me! I took swift and decisive action in my circumstances ( I had to; the reasons don't matter enough to elucidate here.). You've both tolerated far more, for much longer than I ever would have. And your situations, on many levels, seem far scarier than even what I endured.

Raven, especially, please be very careful. Your stalker is really frightening.

I would also urge the zero contact approach to these people. They will misconstrue the merest word or outreach on your parts. The mini-tornado will rev up all over again.

I have not read up much on stalking and its causes. If I find some more helpful info, I will forward it here.

Please stay safe, and take good care of yourselves.