my coping with death isn't healthy, i'd imagine. i'm not sure what healthy grief looks like since i've never seen it once in my life. not with myself or those around me.

i lost someone special to me recently. she was something special for sure, could light up a pitch black room.

i'm smoking for the first time in years, not much, but still smoking cigars. i'm drinking more again. almost daily, except tonight and instead i am stoned. stoned and alone is preference right now. it keeps me safe away from everyone while still keeping me slow and away from the topic of grief. how do i grieve? let it hurt is what i'm told, but there's no 'letting' it happen. it will when it does because i can be high enough to clear the atmosphere but i'll still face my demons in space. they follow me when i drink eventually catching me by surprise. what drug can make me feel less of this?

i need to cope, not dwell, but dwelling is coping in a sense. i'd rather not dwell or cope, but disappear away from the pain. even if it comes back for me anyway.