I was in a relationship when I was 15 that we on for 7 years and I experienced physical, sexual, emotionally and verbal abuse. I never new how this had impacted my life, (my family wasn't big on doctors and mental illness so I was very ignorant to the help I needed) I went 8 years with not being good at socialising. I always thought I just put that down to something was wrong with me. I just worked and looked after my kids. When I was 30 my neighbour and I ended up becoming friends. (Even though I made getting there extremely hard) she start to get me to look after myself, and boost my self-esteem. We started going out and that's when I met my partner. I've been with my partner for 2 years now, we have had so much thrown into the mix at the beginning of the relationship. A month into our relationship, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorders. With in a few months I got depressed and I completely shut down to the point that I was told I had desocialized/depersonalized. I remember little of the months that past. I also had a had time from the beginning to understand the understand what was expected in a relationship. I was really big on not getting told what to do. If I in anyway through he was trying to control me in the slightest I would get mad. Also at the same time my friend decided she didn't like him, she coursed a lot of problems. But he stood by me through it all. He did a month into our relationship flirt with someone when he was out one night and took her number. We moved past that but he has a habit of lying and getting court in his lies. I'm very big on trust so this has affected me badly and our relationship. We had a few months that we did get into using drugs for a bit, that did all sorts of damage that has effected us even now. But with in a year we did start to see the other side, I started seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist who has revealed that I have PTSD and BPD on top of what everything. Coming to terms with this has not been easy for the both of us. For me I'm still trying. Know we have been trying to get my meds right, to get my moods under control. It's been a stressful year with the ups and downs, back and forth from doctors, both of us not working and now this COVID19 pandemic. I did also experience having a couple of psychics episode that had me believing he was cheating on me, wanted everyone to believe I was crazy, hacked my phone ect. I also did try to take my life a some point and ended up in hospital.

For a few months now and we did start fighting heaps. Things that have happened started coming to the surface. Now we are very distant with each other, like to strangers living together. It feels as though we lost what we had somewhere alone the way. We did have something really special. I'm so scared of loosing him but I would rather leave if he will be happier. I've tried talking to him but all he really say is that he loves me or why else would he still be here. I do know he loves me but has to much happened, is that way he doesn't look at me the same way he did? The only time there is much communication between us is when I get insercities about him cheating and lying to me. It's something I really me working to over come, as I know we will never be able to stay together if I don't.

Please no judgement, I do that enough already. I really need some advice on what to do? Should I break up with him so he can be happy? Do I stay and keep trying to get through to him? I need help. I just want him to be happy again, he has lost himself. I have to help him find his way back any way I can.