I'm sorry you are experiencing so much difficulty. There's an awful lot about your situation I'm not familiar with. So I doubt I can be of much help. But I wanted to at least leave a reply letting you know I read your post... and I wish you well.


One thing I don't know about is how mental health services are provided in Japan. But it strikes me that perhaps what might help is to have someone (a counselor of some sort or a mental health therapist) with whom you can talk all of this through & work out some possible solutions to your situation a bit at a time... (possibly including some psychiatric medication if you're struggling with anxiety & paranoia?) Obviously I don't really know. I'm just throwing out random thoughts here.


One of the problems that can sometimes come up is that we look at our situation as a whole & just become paralyzed by the enormity of it. But if you can break it down into smaller manageable bites & work on those one at a time then you can begin to make progress toward resolving the situation you're in as a whole. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.


Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that talks about how to get unstuck:


How to Get Unstuck: 7 Really Useful Methods


Best wishes...