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Originally Posted by TishaBuv
There’s definitely something going on with her behavior and authority defiance which has been on-going and chronic. How did she do in school? Is she in college?
There’s also something going on between you and your husband in that he didn’t pipe up when she called you vile names bringing up a very personal marital issue. I presume you worked that issue out with him and he’s moved on from it. His silence here is strange. Do you have conversations with him about that? Where is the disconnect where you two are not united as parents of her? This is an important discussion between you and him.
I also worry in these situations how violent it could get. It’s better to be safe and wait out getting her out and somewhere else when the time comes.
If you don’t feel any love from her, I believe you that there isn’t any love from her. I hope she does grow up and realize her parents have value and shows love. It can happen. It can also go the other way and she could become a really bad person committing crimes. It’s really scary and that’s not your fault as parents. No one is perfect and you are very good parents, even if for just the fact you are keeping her fed and sheltered right now proves it. She may have a diagnosable issue, she may be able to get help but she has to want it, she may just mature on her own in time.
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Hi there,
I'd like to answer some of these questions. She did not do well in school. Despite being very bright, she was never interested and did not complete assignments. At one point in Middle School, she did not bother to complete a 'portfolio' and just failed it. This continued right up to Grade 11 where again she just did not complete work. She got so behind that the assistant head of the school spoke to her and told her to just get what she could done, but she just gave up. She then announced that she was not going to finish HS, so she did nor attend Grade 12, and got her GED instead. She told us it would be great as she would get ahead of the curve and be working on her AA ahead of her friends, but that never happened. She just turned 21 and still no AA. (Bit of background here. We are from Scotland and I got my degree for free as tuition is free there. So we hear from her all the time that she refuses to go into debt to get a degree and that's the reason she is doing it so slowly. What she would not mention to anyone is that after school she did enroll in community college but was involved with a boy at the time, so we paid upfront for the whole year and she flunked out. After that we said you pay it and we will refund you if you pass. But she constantly makes remarks about how her friends get this, that and the other and she doesn't.)
Now, as for my husband, he wants a quiet life. He never did want to participate in the discipline part of parenting. I remember once, years ago, her behavior was not great and we were in the car and I said to him - we need to start doing a sticker chart or something, and he was like nah. He wants like the path of least resistance, so he prefers to just lie low and let her get on with it. Whereas I have a different temprament. I can't just ignore bad behavior, so I'll confront it and deal with it. I hope that explains somewhat why he is reluctant to say anything. (and why it became me versus her)
Thank you for the words of encouragament. Although we were obviously not prefect parents, I am a teacher and I worked with kids whose parents were awful for whatever reason. I saw kids for whom school was a respite as they had no idea whether they were going home to. They didn't know if they were going to eat/get beat up/find parents who had overdosed etc. So, I guess I just feel really upset at the fact that her childhood was 'normal' and actually quite good. She was looked after and loved and fed and taken on travels and had paid for hobbies. You know, within the realms of what would be considered 'normal', yet she was unhappier/worse behaved than those kids who had abusive homes. That was hard for me to understand.
I think from my own personal perspective too, my personality is so different to hers, so that is hard too. For example, I was subservient towards my mom in particular. I wanted to please her and I was very sad if she was mad at me, so my daughter treats me with a contempt and lack of love and I can't imgaine how she can be like that at all, so it's very hard to understand why she is like that!
Thanks for replying!