IDK if my mental health has actually deteriorated. I believe if I got out and far away into a new life, I’d be okay. But there’d always be the haunting that this was a nightmare failure. What my son did is never going away, it happened, he continues to not care. The emotional abandonment of my completely beloved son was mind blowing to cope with. I can’t escape the rumination I will forever have over him, no matter where I run.

My mother told me long ago, when I kept crying to her about this same marital problem to knock it off or I will begin to look mentally ill and be thought of as such. I didn’t knock it off as the marital problem endured and i became obsessed with trying to figure out whether it was a relationship problem or a mental health one. It has to be a combination of both.

I wish I could just act life the relationship does not slay me, l and at least keep my mouth shut. Life would be so much better for me.

If I leave, I don’t really escape. I don’t believe I have green pastures, especially having to cope with many years of trauma I suffered. But, I can’t stay and just act nice, either. I get angry and sad that it is what it is.

I really screwed this life up. It was such a tease. It seemed so great, but it was misery because I am unhappy in it with him. I am just not understood by him, while my desires are so simple and reasonable.

The therapist asked me to write it all down for him to get to know me. I gave him a timeline of my entire life as he asked and a paragraph about all I wanted from my relationship and those needs were unmet no matter what I do.

All he discussed with me after reading was to explain to him what happened with the date rape long ago. Honestly, I could give a shyt about that and didn’t even care at the time. That’s the last session which went no where. Nothing else has even been discussed. We met several times already.

He meets with my h, too. He gave him an assignment, which my h did not do. This is marriage therapy? Such BS. We’ve not gotten at all better and he’s told us nothing so far.

It’s been the worst summer from hell. The pandemic was the least of my problems.

Counting blessings, I love the time I spent with our middle son and I am glad we have all not gotten sick. Although, I feel like licking a stair rail and taking myself out, jk...sort of.