[QUOTE=MtnTime2896;6904742]my coping with death isn't healthy, i'd imagine. i'm not sure what healthy grief looks like since i've never seen it once in my life. not with myself or those around me.

i lost someone special to me recently. she was something special for sure, could light up a pitch black room.

i'm smoking for the first time in years, not much, but still smoking cigars. i'm drinking more again. almost daily, except tonight and instead i am stoned. stoned and alone is preference right now. it keeps me safe away from everyone while still keeping me slow and away from the topic of grief. how do i grieve? let it hurt is what i'm told, but there's no 'letting' it happen. it will when it does because i can be high enough to clear the atmosphere but i'll still face my demons in space. they follow me when i drink eventually catching me by surprise. what drug can make me feel less of this?

I have dealt with grief a lot in my life, from an early age, losing my first grandparent at the age of 4. My parents didn't choose to shield me from the reality of the situation, which looking back was the healthiest way to deal with the situation. There is not a wrong or right way to grieve. Denia or shock are usually the the first things you will feel. Then an overwhemling sense of emotions you can't describe in words. Anger is common...almost everyone gets angry at their loved one for leaving them alone here in the world, and the guilty for feeling that way. Then the flood of crying and bargaining -- please let this be a horrible nightmare and I will do anything, etc. Eventually depression sets in when you realize the finality and realness of the situation..
When I lost my husband someone wise gave me something called "The Grief Recovery Workbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. Many of the things in this book were things I already knew but many were not.. It was exactly what I needed when I lost my best friend of over 20 years and husband of nearly 14 years. I would highly recommend you get a copy, even if its second hand from Ebay or Amazon. It will help you with what you are going through. I handled grief well before i lost my husband, but I was lost and this book helped me and it is top notch. I will can only imagine the hurt you are experiencing. I would aslo recommend looking for a local grief support group so you can connect with so people in your area who understand what you are going through as well. Fellowship is part of the healing process