I have the same thing in my marriage. Oddly, he claims I'm the abuser. I tell him that just because I'm louder than he is when we disagree doesn't make what is said or done any worse...it's not necessarily better, either.
I was abused and abandoned as a child, and unfortunately I never worked through it properly (if there is a proper way). Even more unfortunate, a lot of recent chain of events in our family have reignited so many emotions that i am having a difficult time with. He simply doesn't take the role of supportive husband in those instances...and trigger the uncontrollable outbursts, and it spirals from there.
Its not always, but more so than not, and its not always bad, but just like you, I'm not our good goes beyond that. I wonder if I've broken into a whole new issue of dependence, thanks to his dominance.

I hope we can find the strength we need to figure things out! If not just to figure things out, then to at least get to a better, safer place for our own sake...maybe thats why we can't exactly figure things out?