Deep down I know I need to address this stuff. But when an appt is cancelled, I am so dadgum relieved.

I feel so torn between the concept that yes, I need help to get rid of all this mess in my head, and.....
Good heavens this mess has built up for almost 50 years. With every dr I see, I realize MORE of my life that was totally abnormal and have messed me up in MORE ways. How is it even possible that I could clean it up in what's remaining of my lifetime? Maybe I should just accept that this is who I am, and make the best of it, instead of trying to scrape up all these crappy old memories, and torture myself!!!
Anyone else feel like that?