It’s all of that that worries me. While it’s not necessarily wrong to say I’m “milking it” for some leeway, my anxiety really is getting the best of me. I’m 30min early to everything. Everything. I can’t stand being late. I left for work earlier than usual the other day and got stuck in traffic because there was something unexpected going on (a wreck? I’m not sure.) I called my mom bearing crying because I was afraid about being late for work. I about gave myself a heart attack and the only option I had was to endure it. Luckily I got to work 3 min before start of my shift..... but I left 30 minutes early which meant I left an hour before my shift.... which means I hate accounted for the time which means what about next time? Now I’m afraid from the moment I wake up that I won’t get to work on time and will get fired. Now I can’t can’t afford to be even a second late so that just adds an extra layer of anxiety.

I have a job where I work with people 2% of the time. This job is capable and should be stress free. I just woke up in a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe because I think I left my scanner on my cart. Scanners automatically log you out. There is absolutely no harm in leaving the scanner or “repercussions” but have taken 30 minutes for me to calm down from that this morning....I mean a panic attack cannot kill you but god does it sure feel like it. Please don’t think that isn’t severe in itself.

I don’t think I can spend days off or days working without being in constant fear of losing my job now. That seems like undue stress doesn’t it? I can’t relax and I can’t ensure I won’t get fired so I have intense anxiety. The chances of something going extremely wrong in this state of mind are high — like a car accident. I’m now afraid I’ll get into one because I’m so stressed out about work. (I am very new to driving in a city mind you.)

I answered the disability question with “prefer not to answer”. It’s none of their damn business and I’m not going allows my hiring to be affected based on it. I guess I created more of an issue than solution there.

The depression and anxiety run my life and I can’t even hold a damn job! I’m just done. It’s my days off now (at least I’ve checked 6 times and it still says it is) so we will see how this goes. I don’t want to go back to living in my car.

I feel like just dying (figuratively— no want to kill myself. I’m facing reality of living in my car again and that’s about as bad.)

I hope I made sense. I riled myself up writing this and I need to go cry. My doctor already highly suggest IOP if I lose my job maybe I can get myself inpatient — or at least on a 72 hour hold. Hell. It’s at least a meal and air conditioning compared to dying in the sun again:

I’m sick. I’m just absolutely sick. I don’t deserve accommodations and no employer wants to work with me. I’m a failure.