Now I’m embarrassed that I went off. I am certainly half the problem and I know it. My therapist told me to not allow feeling shame to bother me (or something like that).

I stay because I really do want to, though I want to be at peace here (not even shooting for happy per se). I keep trying to end the relationship and run away because I have an anxiety disorder. There is no doing that in reality and I know it would not be an improvement.

Also, prolonged trauma from this issue and trauma from other abandonments (two that were fairly recent and significant) has not helped the anxiety attacks.